If there is one thing I know, and when I say know, of course I mean think, and not know, It’s when a guy gets in his car and turns on his sat nav, it’s already a challenge.
248 miles in 4hrs and 14minutes? Aye!,very good TomTom. I’ll be shaving off they 14 minutes to start with.
That was the plan anyway as I started the journey to Congleton( near Crewe)(near somewhere else you might have heard of, but I can’t remember)
Take yer time Gary, straight road, nae traffic lights, just the boring m74 then m6. Records will be smashed! Can probably even drink a few cans.
The drive started to go wrong just after Carlisle . Turns out there had been an accident 2000 miles ahead and 3 days earlier,but they still had a backlog!
6 1/2 fucking hours later I was still driving. Shouting ,looking as if I was having an argument on the hands free, but only trying to take my mind of the fact I needed the toilet. It was excruciating . Having tanned all my food and drank all my drink, the inside of the car was a tip. It’s amazing how angry you can get with a traffic report on the radio. At one point I thought I would have to drive straight to the gig , instead of my hotel ,where I usually “freshen up”( full scrub down with Dettol and Brillo pad)
30 minutes later things had changed dramatically.
1.I had pished myself,something that I had always wondered what it would be like,but hoped it would have been in a more controlled setting.
2.The back seat was on fire, it looked mental, but the looks on other drivers faces was funny
I tried to calm down and think of positives
1. I had probably beat the record for slowest average speed over that distance.
2. I now had more time to work out how I could get away with murder
Anyway I got to my hotel with 30 minutes till the gig. I shaved,showered, shat and ironed at the same time,thus saving precious time. The gig was 16 miles away. TomTom told me 26 minutes…
My Edinburgh show ended on Monday and although I was pretty pessimistic about the whole thing,it turned out pretty good. Decent crowds, decent reviews and home in Glasgow every night. I learned a few things with the reviews. If I don’t want every review of my show to start off with how I look,then I’ll have to start looking differently! If I want reviewers to review the show the way they had hoped it would be , then I will have to meet up with them before, so they can tell me how they want the show to be.
I’m in Lancaster now, just the 6 hours before the gig. I like to get here early to get a feel of the place. Or I’ve driven from Yorkshire gig last night and have fuck all else to do. Delicious kedgeree though. Look for the positives.
I hope while reading this you can imagine how bored out my skull I am. There’s only so long I can stay in TK Max looking at jumpers for the winter. Or using WH Smiths as my own magazine library. ” aye mate I might be buying it, I’m just seeing if it’s got that thing I’m kidding on I’m looking for”
I see other sad lonely men browsing Trains Monthly. Losers