Don’t call me mate…

I’ve had an eventful start to the week. I was volunteering at a local community centre and I’m trying to get the youth interested in stuff outwith their housing scheme.
Monday saw the arrival of Naomi Campbell, who gave a talk on “racism in the fashion industry”. It was well received, and after it she answered a series of thought provoking questions, such as “did Boaby de Niro shag you?” and “dae you know Pamla Annerson?”

Tuesday saw the arrival of a new volunteer. His name is Paul. he is outgoing, polite,generous and helpful. I’d imagine by the end of the week everyone will hate him.

I think people are genuinely confused when they meet constantly happy people. I know I am. I start thinking “what the fuck are they so happy about?” I’m not saying to people just be miserable, just go easy on the happy, smiley faces.

How easy is it to call every person you meet, Mate? Correct, dead fucking easy! How lazy is it? Well you can guess the answer. It seems as if Mate is now just everyone on the fucking planet. I also get called Chief, Da, Mucker, Pal and the much rarer, Capistrano. These are just variants of Mate and they are not my name. I realise I’m verging on Grumpy Old Men shit here, but just call me by my name, Mate.

Having always owned dogs,people I know assume that I’m a bit of an expert on them. If knowing the dogs not well when it has the shits all over the kitchen floor makes me an expert, then just call me the Dog Whisperer. Many years ago I used to get stuff(code for drugs) from a family who lived in the scheme. Three brothers who stayed with their mum and a dog Lucky. One time I went round to the house to see the brothers all standing outside the house. Turns out wee Lucky had dug up 1kg of stuff(speed) that they had buried in the back garden. Their mum was going mental as she was convinced the dog was going to die. Or at least stay awake for 6 days. They asked me, as an expert, to try and show their mum that the dog was ok.

Their mum was only too happy to let me in the house and examine Lucky. “They bastards have poisoned ma wee Lucky, Gary” I had watched All Creatures Great And Small so I knew what I needed to say. ” whit’s wrang wae it?”
“It keeps going tae the front door and when a open the door it just runs back upstairs,panting”
Like most people I’ve watched Crufts for years so I just kneeled down in front of Lucky,grabbed his head, looked at his teeth. Then I ran my hands down his sides, stood up and confidently announced ” the dugs brand new!”

(Lucky on his comedown)

It’s amazing how people will trust someone if they think he knows what he’s talking about. Cheers