Monthly Archives: December 2014

Ho…fucking…ho!!

Only in Glasgow can you use two positive words to mean a negative. These words are, Aye,right!!

Last week at a gig, as I stood shamelessly, trying to sell my DVDs (ideal Xmas present),a guy came up to me. Get the sale pitch ready, I thought” want to see the look of disappointment on a loved ones face pal? then buy this DVD” (2 available). Guy stared at me, pointing at his face. It’s hard to describe the look of rage, but imagine a pit bull eating a bit of toffee. This is what this contorted face looked like.
He still hadn’t said anything. “yer holding up the queue mate” (there was no queue) He pointed at his face again. He then went on to tell me how fucking raging he was, due to the fact I was headlining the gig. Turns out he was under the impression some other act was to close the show. He pointed at his face again. Raging.
He thought I could see him from the stage, his wee raging face,raging like a good yin. I didn’t see him. He was telling me he was that angry, he couldn’t even hear me! Aye, right! Every cunt(person) can hear me,raging or no raging.
Now some of my critics (yes you 2) might understand his disappointment at having to listen to me, but in between telling me how raging he was, he also added he had seen me before, so he knew I was good! But his rage wasn’t going to let him dwell on that good memory.
Why the fuck did you stay to the end then, I asked. ” I was just so angry” he replied. What a fucking dick of a man.
The best was still to come. Turns out he was given the tickets free. He also knew at the start of the night that I was closing, and had already complained to the manager. But rather than fuck off, he decided to stew all night with a fantastic rage. What a complete prick, and I’d imagine he smashed his house to fuck when he got home.
Now just to show I had no bad feelings towards him, I asked him simply “are ye buying yer good lady a DVD?” He wasn’t for building bridges…

Raging man

Raging man

I remember a time when it was acceptable to get a knitted Arran jumper as a gift (Haircut 100 days,google it kids). Can you imagine that now? “here Darron, I knitted you a jumper for yer Xmas” What was more mental, was some knitters,asking for you to pay for the wool! I got bumped for £45 once. I could have bought a fuckin sheep for £45. I worked with the woman, so it’s always hard to refuse in that situation. There was never a time I wasn’t fucking roasting with that jumper on

Happy arse with an Arran

Happy arse with an Arran

Just remember folks, when it comes to presents, that it’s the thought that counts. Unless it’s about £50 less than what you spent on them. Then yer entitled to be raging…