Monthly Archives: August 2014

Mirror,indicate,go mental

If there is one thing I know, and when I say know, of course I mean think, and not know, It’s when a guy gets in his car and turns on his sat nav, it’s already a challenge.
248 miles in 4hrs and 14minutes? Aye!,very good TomTom. I’ll be shaving off they 14 minutes to start with.
That was the plan anyway as I started the journey to Congleton( near Crewe)(near somewhere else you might have heard of, but I can’t remember)
Take yer time Gary, straight road, nae traffic lights, just the boring m74 then m6. Records will be smashed! Can probably even drink a few cans.
The drive started to go wrong just after Carlisle . Turns out there had been an accident 2000 miles ahead and 3 days earlier,but they still had a backlog!
6 1/2 fucking hours later I was still driving. Shouting ,looking as if I was having an argument on the hands free, but only trying to take my mind of the fact I needed the toilet. It was excruciating . Having tanned all my food and drank all my drink, the inside of the car was a tip. It’s amazing how angry you can get with a traffic report on the radio. At one point I thought I would have to drive straight to the gig , instead of my hotel ,where I usually “freshen up”( full scrub down with Dettol and Brillo pad)
30 minutes later things had changed dramatically.
.
1.I had pished myself,something that I had always wondered what it would be like,but hoped it would have been in a more controlled setting.
2.The back seat was on fire, it looked mental, but the looks on other drivers faces was funny
I tried to calm down and think of positives
1. I had probably beat the record for slowest average speed over that distance.
2. I now had more time to work out how I could get away with murder
Anyway I got to my hotel with 30 minutes till the gig. I shaved,showered, shat and ironed at the same time,thus saving precious time. The gig was 16 miles away. TomTom told me 26 minutes…

View from my car

View from my car

My Edinburgh show ended on Monday and although I was pretty pessimistic about the whole thing,it turned out pretty good. Decent crowds, decent reviews and home in Glasgow every night. I learned a few things with the reviews. If I don’t want every review of my show to start off with how I look,then I’ll have to start looking differently! If I want reviewers to review the show the way they had hoped it would be , then I will have to meet up with them before, so they can tell me how they want the show to be.

I’m in Lancaster now, just the 6 hours before the gig. I like to get here early to get a feel of the place. Or I’ve driven from Yorkshire gig last night and have fuck all else to do. Delicious kedgeree though. Look for the positives.

I hope while reading this you can imagine how bored out my skull I am. There’s only so long I can stay in TK Max looking at jumpers for the winter. Or using WH Smiths as my own magazine library. ” aye mate I might be buying it, I’m just seeing if it’s got that thing I’m kidding on I’m looking for”
I see other sad lonely men browsing Trains Monthly. Losers