Monthly Archives: July 2014

Just Keep The Clothes You Have On

Sometimes when watching something on the telly, and seeing a big fat ugly character, or a wee skinny ugly character, or even just a character(I dont want to get on at heavy holes),I think to myself that the person must have been sent a script for that part with the description “fat and unnatractive character”

I wonder how their thought process goes, do they think “I will use all my acting skills to convey the uglinesss and obesity needed for this part” or do they just think “yes! I’ve nailed the fat ugly bastard again”

I thought of this again last week when I filmed a bit of my stand up. It’s the classic dog in the park routine that’s loved by literally 10’s of people around my scheme.
In the routine I needed someone to play a paedophile. As I was asking favours from fellow comics I then had to decide which one of them looked the most sex offenderish (made up word). This was more difficult than I thought, as a lot of them looked like beasts.

Eventually I decided on my good friend Allan to play the part. I may have detected hesitation in his voice when I asked him to play the role, but I just ignored that.

On the day of filming he turned up with a bag of what he thought a paedo would wear. I told him though that he was fine with the clothes he had on.

It’s weird that most people, if asked what a paedophile looked like, would probably have the same image.
Glasses seem to be a must for yer beast. Jumper is also in the wardrobe,summer and winter. Sandals with socks are a winner,with the arrival of Crocs in the summer,still with socks.

Plastic carrier bag with assorted knick knacks finish the look off.

I’m sure there’s some paedo reading this saying “I look fuck all like that!” while fingering his Hugo Boss polo shirt

I have one last preview of my Edinburgh Festival show on the 3rd August at the Edinburgh Stand. I’ve done two in Glasgow that both went well. I know these two have lulled me into a false sense of security.
I was thinking of doing a daily blog while at the festival. There will be certain descriptions that I should explain now

“Intimate crowd” is another way of saying “fucking empty!”

“listening crowd” means “not laughing crowd”

“the shows not for everyone” meant “the show wasn’t for anyone”

“the reviewer is entitled to his opinion” means ” if I see that wee cunt,I’m going to kick his fuckin
head in!”

“the Festival was a good learning process” means “I’ll never fucking do that shit hole again!”

I do hope I see some of you in August. Cheers