Monthly Archives: June 2014

Lord of The Flies

I always think Bluebottle flies are the cooler version of normal flies. Like the housefly,but with a leather jacket and shades. It probably gets hated by other flies for it’s attitude,”flying in here, eating all the good shite, getting the dead stuff first”

I’m only mentioning the Bluebottle cause I’ve just killed one. Whacked it with a jiffy bag. See, although I think they are the cooler of the flies, I still think they are manky things. Plus it also goes to show you are never too cool to get whacked.

wee cool fly

Had an eventful gig last week when 800 hairdressers and a bad sound system showed no respect for my comedy talent! It’s a bad gig when you have to shout someone from The Only Way Is Essex up onstage to give you haunners! This worked for 13 seconds.

The night ended with someone headbutting another person. Both female.Police were then called. I couldn’t have asked for anything better to happen. No one was talking about the shite comic.

In preperation for my Edinburgh Festival show I will be doing a couple of previews in Glasgow next month. This is a request for Glasgow people who fancy Edinburgh, but apathy and hatred of street performers,means you won’t be coming through. Come to the preview then.

After talking about the Beaver last post I remembered another story of taxidermy. It’s also a harsh warning of going into an antique shop while still a bit out of it from the night before.

I had ordered a chinese takeaway,which happened to be next door to the aforementioned antique shop.
While waiting on curry I popped into the shop. This was a shop I spent a lot of money in. As soon as I walked into the shop I seen this stuffed wild boar. Horrible, but in my out of itness (from night before) I thought it was a fucking belter (still a 90’s catchphrase).”fuck sake” I said to the owner.
“never mind that,come in the back and see the rest” he replied.

What he had in the back amounted to half the seringeti,mounted. He had Water Buffalo horns, Gazelle horns and fuck knows whatever else horns ( that’s not an animal,just a phrase). All these mounted with plaques saying Colonel Fuckwit shot this poor bastard in 1909 in Zimbabwe. Or words to that effect.

My immediate question was “how much for the lot?”
Now what you should know folks is I didn’t live in a mansion, or even a hunting lodge. I lived in a Glasgow tenement.
£1200 for the lot he said.
I had £200 on me. “I’ll give you this as a deposit”
“ok,but you’ll have to take the Boar with you just now, as all the Asians are getting pissed off with it outside the shop”
So that’s how I ended up walking up Albert dr with 2 curry’s and a Wild Boar.
It did allow me to come out with the great line”I hope yer fucking hungry” when my girlfriend answered the door.
Obviously when I woke up the next day I realised what a complete arsehole I was. For the next 3 months I just body swerved the shop.
I ended up leaving the Boar in another persons flat.

Choose life.