Monthly Archives: December 2013

I knew Lulu

So it turned out the gigs last week weren’t full of arseholes! I heard some horror story’s from other acts so I must have been lucky. Highlight was the Clutha fundraiser at the O2 in Glasgow. 1500 people raising over £30000. It’s not often on a bill this size that every act has a belter but this was one of those nights.

Loads of press coverage and all positive but I noticed some negative  comments asking why have a fundraiser for this and not for instance 3 guys who died in a north sea helicopter crash. It’s a fair comment but do you really want to say cause we don’t do something for one tragedy then we don’t do anything for anyone? I think the uniqueness of what happened at the Clutha is what captured people’s imagination.  I don’t even know if imagination is the right word but when we hear about car crashes,boats sinking, even people getting murdered it’s things we have all heard before, a familiar tragedy that we’ve all grown up with.

One of the things that I’ve noticed since the accident is the amount of people who have a near miss story about that night. “A used to take ma dug a walk by the Clutha every night” from a guy who’s no had that dug for 2 years! ” ma best mates mate, when he goes into Glesga always gets a pie and beans at the Clutha,says they’re the best he’s ever had”

It will be like the Kevin Bacon 6 degrees of separation thing were people will be able to place themselves at the Clutha in 6 steps


I’ll finish with the Lula story’s. According to everybody lulu comes fae every scheme in Glasgow! I’ve even my own Lulu story of an uncle who said he pumped her in the 60’s. His words, but he was also a raging alky so who knows..


Was The Week Afore Xmas

So it’s the Friday before Xmas which means most comics throughout the land are looking forward to being heckled, ignored, threatened and generally not shown the respect that a chancer deserves.This is the time of Xmas works nights out were all the workers get to see what a cock Davey fae accounts is when he has a drink in him “…and I just pulled ma cock oot in front ae the cunt….cunts were pishing themselves” Aye Davey it was fuckin hilarious.

I’ve had good gigs all week but that ends tonight as I’m at Glasgow Jongleurs which for the rest of the year is a great club but not this weekend! As a wee warm up for the main event I’m doing a Gas Company works night. 5pm which sounds ok until they add they’ll be drinking from 12.

I’ve never been on a works night out as I always like to limit  the drunken sex pest in me to strangers.

Did another couple of jail gigs on Tuesday.This was at the brand new Low Moss Prison which is a state of the art jail. A big difference from when I was in it in 93.Then it was an old army camp with billet’s that housed 30 prisoners in each one. Bullying was on a different level and the memory of seeing guys being made to do a “Madonna” still make me laugh! Don’t know if you can Google a Madonna…

Really looking forward to Sunday night at the O2 Academy for the benefit gig for The Clutha. 1500 tickets sold in 3 hours and some cracking comics on the bill. At this very moment every single one of them is trying to decide on their best set so they can blow the rest of the fuckers off the stage!

So if yer out and about this weekend try and not be a sex pest with yer co workers. Keep that for the strangers

45 pence a mile

Something that most comics have heard is the old chestnut “you get paid loads for just 20 minutes on stage” I suppose that person who is seeing me in High Wycombe and hears that unmistakable English accent of mine probably thinks Ive just strolled up to the gig. They don’t realise it’s a 780 mile round trip for myself and I’ll attempt to sleep,while driving, for 2 seconds at a time on the way home. On Tuesday I had my regular soul destroying journey to Aberdeen. I’ve driven a lot further for gigs but I can honestly say getting a blowjob from Miss Venezuela while driving would not make this journey any better. At least on most journeys I can go into auto pilot while thinking up hilarious anecdotes to tell the adoring fans who are  waiting at the Bowling club ,but not on this journey. It seems 284 speed cameras are needed for this stretch of road, meaning I have to pay attention at every fucking stage of the drive. Now most people reading this will be thinking I’m exaggerating the number of cameras. Of course I’m exaggerating the numbers,I’m from Glasgow so it’s allowed. “There was hunners ae the cunts!!” when looked at seriously will always result in the number being less than 6.It’s allowed though. Another thing that annoys me about this drive is the amount of road that does not have lights. Ideally I want lighting that cunts from that space module can see. It doesn’t help that my shitey car has the light power of 3 scented candles.  Even on full beam I never get flashed by other cars, simply for the fact they don’t notice. I have thought about getting spot lamps put on the car but seeing as I drive a Citroen estate and not a 1970’s Ford Escort I will give that a miss. Of course after all this stress of the journey I then arrive at Aberdeen. Everyone knows that the stereotype of the tight Scots is a pile of shite. Everyone except Aberdonians. I’ve genuinely met some who in the words of my wee mum were as tight as shite in the neck of a bottle. I recently met a women on a plane who after boring me to death for several hours about her big time oil working husband and how well off they were, then told me she lost her book she took on holiday, but she made sure she stole 2 from the hotel.

So my gigs this weekend range from a comedy club to a sun bed shop works night to a Castle. I’ll probably just use the word cunt at one of the gigs. Cheers

Dwayne and me!

So last night I got to play my biggest crowd when I opened for Bill Burr at the O2 Academy in Glasgow. 1500 people all there to see someone else meant I was a wee bit nervous during the day. Having spent the whole day going over my set I then got a text saying could I call Bills manager Dwayne to talk over my set. I called the number to talk to Dwayne and he asks if I do stuff about dogs and i say yes and he says Bill has a wee bit on dogs and I’ll have to drop it from my set and I’m thinking bastard! Then you have to imagine an American accent saying ” and do you do a bit aboot getting mad wae it” I’m trying to tell Dwayne I’m not doing the Arches bit then the cunt starts laughing and I realise it’s Kevin Bridges!He thought it would be hilarious to stress me out with a prank call!!

As for the gig? I think it went as well as I could have hoped for and I heard laughing…Then had a few drinks with Bill(he’s ma mate now so it’s Bill!)and got told the highlight of the night was Bill taking the piss out of the fact I got the jail for stealing books!1473008_618118751579124_2143584219_n

With a massive hangover today I then had the privilege of returning to HMP Barlinnie to do 2 comedy shows for the cons,along with Scott Gibson and Pat Rolink. Having spent time there as a resident a few of the officers remembered me and even a few cons. I’ve did a few of these  jail gigs and there has never been a bad one. I think the guys appreciate us doing them. The highlight for me was an officer showing us the Hanging Cell where they…well the clues in the name. Big Scott had never been in the jail so a guy showed him inside his cell. Pretty depressing seeing it all again. Poor guy was only in 5 days and you could see he was struggling and no telly,x box or pot noodle makes that any better.

I have no idea who looks at this site so if you could sign up to the newsletter that would be great. I have no idea what a newsletter consists of..I don’t think the clue is in the title. Cheers